last night

Here is a synopsis of what I was doing last night, instead of blogging, in case you think I was just playing hooky, out on the town, three sheets to the wind. No such luck, y’all. I spent my Saturday night at home, in full combat training with a 21-week-old baby. This is the real deal, people — battle of wills, see who breaks first, extreme endurance workout. It’s like trying to train a bloody T-Rex to sleep.

Last night looked something like this:

18:09 – fed for 10 mins
18:35 – asleep, took 15 minutes to settle
19:59 – woke, took a few minutes to settle
20:43 – woke, took a few minutes to settle
21:15 – fed for 10 mins
22:45 – woke, complete meltdown for 35 mins
23:20 – fed for 10 mins
01:36 – fed for 5 mins, took 20 minutes to settle
4:00 – fed for 10 mins
5:55 – woke, took a few minutes to settle
6:08 – woke, took a massive poo, changed nappy, a few minutes to settle
7:00 – woke, started the day

In other words…

18:00 – present boob to t-rex and watch her devour everything in under 10 minutes.
18:09 – wrestle the tiny godzilla into her cot while she roars and tries to scratch your face off.
18:35 – the beast finally sleeps. cue for parents to drink ALL THE WINE.
19:59 – the princess of wakefulness calls for her court jester to sing her back to sleep.
20:43 – we have come to the conclusion that these constant wakings are the work of the devil. i call in reinforcement and together my husband and i work to drive out the evil spirit.
21:15 – feed me NOW!
22:45 – a 35-minute mega nuclear meltdown follows.
23:20 – moo.
01:36 – i wasn’t really hungry, i was just testing you to see how quickly you would come. and now i will act as if you just cut off my leg and scream in your face for the next 20 minutes.
4:00 – where is that giant woman with the boobs? i demand to be fed.
5:55 – we are convinced she is a trained assassin hired to kill us.
6:08 – WTF woman, can’t you see that I just shat myself?
7:00 – wake up zombie motherfuckers, i’m ready to start the day.

I remember telling Joe, when I was pregnant, to please shoot me if I became one of those mothers who talked about sleep deprivation all the time. Nobody really cares about how much sleep you got last night. Am I right? But that was before I spawned a demon child. I didn’t realise that so much in life depends on a good night’s sleep.

Because I “failed” to post yesterday and because I was so tired today, I almost quit nablopomo. I so very nearly wrote that’s it, I’m out folks because sleep training a tiny human and creativity don’t really mix well. This is very typical of me… if I can’t do something perfectly, I’d rather not do it at all. Which, of course, is total rot. We’ve all seen those cheesy motivational posters that adorned almost every office and gym wall in the 1990s. You know the ones… with the black border, large text, inspirational photograph? We all know that it’s about the journey and not the destination and blah blah blah.

So, here’s to the next 9 days. I feel a second wind coming on.

On that note, Baby Godzilla wakes.