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back to the future

May 2, 2012

Remember when you were 6 years old and your teacher asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up? And maybe you answered astronaut or zoo keeper or time traveler? Or maybe you wanted to be a doctor or a mad scientist or Willy Wonka so you could eat all the candy you wanted? Whatever it was, didn’t it seem like it was possible?  Like you really, truly believed that you could do anything?

These days, confidence shattered by unemployment, I’ve been wondering where that feeling went.

So, when this lovely life coach emailed me last month, I jumped on the opportunity to work with her. And it has been so empowering, people. We’ve been doing a lot of visualizing and manifesting and magic weaving and I must admit that the very logical, science-y part of my brain wonders if it’s just a bunch of hocus pocus but the essence of me knows all this to be true. Deep down, under the layers of doubt and fear and all the crap I’ve accumulated over the years… I know we are all made of light, that we are divine. I feel that fire in my belly when I am in that centered place. Sure, I’ve been orbiting around that centered place these days like a thousand meteorites burning through the earth’s atmosphere and crashing into the desert and all that is left of that fire in my belly are cinders that stopped giving off flames months ago. Still… I know this to be true – the light is real, the darkness is not.

I met my future self today. My 47-year old self. I met her in the future kitchen of our future home. And as I walked down the driveway to her house, I kept thinking “Surely there’s been some brain glitch. This can’t be my future home?” But the vision was steadfast and would not bend to the ideals I’d created over the years. In this vision, my future home was my father in law’s current home with the same low ceilings and same country smell. The light, however, was different. A golden summer light with dandelion fluff hanging in the air.

She opened the door dressed in Wellies and rolled up jeans and a V-neck t-shirt, salt and pepper hair pulled back in a loose pony tail. She was holding carrots from the garden in her hands. She looked radiant and warm and confident and very much in her element. I sat in the kitchen, one leg curled under the other, and asked her what I needed to do to get to where she was and she answered that I needn’t worry about such things, that everything was set in motion and would work out as it should. And in my head I was all “Yo, future self, why so cryptic and mysterious?” and then I realized that she could probably hear my thoughts because she was me, after all. I asked her what she did for a living and she didn’t volunteer the information. I sensed, however, that she worked from home and I imagined a typewriter and shelves lined with vintage cameras somewhere in the house. Her husband was out catching tadpoles with the children. They wouldn’t be home for another couple hours. I asked her if we were happy and she answered: “Very.” When I stepped into her, I felt how light and heathy and loose in her body she was. I felt her in my heart center, shoulders back, chest forward, head high and I knew everything would be just fine.

On my way out, she gave me a gift – a book we’d written. And I don’t remember what the book looked like or felt like. I do not know its title or subject matter, whether it was fact or fiction, but she had a twinkle in her eye that said… BEGIN.

I am clueless as to how this visualizing thing works. All I know is that I am tired. Tired of beating myself up. Tired of the negative critics. Tired of giving power to the bitter old nag in my head (She just sits there and smokes and points her yellow finger at me and tells me that I’m not good enough and she is such a bitch!) I’m tired of not being true to myself. I’m tired of letting fear and limiting beliefs get in the way. I’m tired of playing small. And if visualizing helps me slay those demons, then so be it. I reckon it’s better than eating a pint of ice cream in self pity and escaping in a bottle of wine.

I am breaking down and realigning and rewiring and deconstructing myself these days to make room for what I am to become. I am rewriting the story. It hurts and it’s bloody uncomfortable and I feel like every single one of my bones is cracking and my body is aching and all I want to do is run away from this feeling, but I can’t because I am on the cusp of something big.

And this is just the beginning.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness That most frightens us. We ask ourselves Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small Does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking So that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, As children do. We were born to make manifest The glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; It’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, Our presence automatically liberates others.” – Marianne Williamson

23 Comments leave one →
  1. Maria permalink
    May 2, 2012 9:05 am


  2. May 2, 2012 9:14 am

    This is beautiful. You and your 47-year old self are beautiful. I can’t wait to read your book.


  3. Claudine permalink
    May 2, 2012 9:47 am

    WOW… tu rocks tellement. On ne se connait pas beaucoup mais j’ose te lire. La belle cousine de mon amie ! Tu es une femme inspirante et tu l’as toujours été. C’est drole comment on juges les gens car de mon point de vue,j’ai toujours pensé que tu étais en parfait contrôle de savoir que tu te remets en questions me démontre qu’on le fait tous finalement. Merci pour tes échanges qui tombent à point dans ma vie de nouvelle maman de jumeaux (6mois) et du grand Émile. Maintenant je vais moi aussi me visualiser dans 10 ans pour voir comment je me sens et le reste du comment viendra vers moi ! Claudine

  4. May 2, 2012 11:02 am

    You made me cry. (In a good way.) Tears for how beautifully you’ve written this. Tears for you and all this work you’re doing and all that is about to happen. Tears for me, as I need to meet myself in 10 years and knock this self doubt on the head too. Big love to you Jeanine. xxx

  5. May 2, 2012 5:34 pm

    You go girl! I’m trying to ignore the bitch in my head too 😛

    But to reach our full potential, we just have to follow our hearts and know that everything will be fine! I am the worst worrywart and doubter. With the help of motivational and inspirational people like you, I’m getting better, though 😉

  6. May 2, 2012 6:48 pm

    I’m in awe of your ability to explain the process you are going through as you become your new self. Well said. Your words ring true. Thanks for writing this.

  7. May 3, 2012 6:32 am

    This gave me chills! Oh I know you will write a book…oh hell probably a lot of books and you will be happy and it will all happen just as it is supposed to. Sending you love…xoxo

  8. May 3, 2012 1:18 pm

    Jeanine, this is so beautiful.
    I can’t wait to read your book! ❤

    PS- I DID want to be Willy Wonka when I was a kid! That made me laugh. You're inspired me to buy myself a nice gold wrapped chocolate bar this afternoon!

  9. May 3, 2012 4:44 pm

    Okay, first? That quote? I have that one up. Second? THIS POST! It is so, so brilliant. I cannot wait until you figure out where that path is so you can get on it! I want to read YOUR BOOK! What a wonderful gift you are giving yourself. I think my own inner critic needs to sit up and take notice…and maybe READ the quotes that are post-it-ed and taped all over the place! xoxoxo

  10. Libby permalink
    May 3, 2012 6:43 pm

    Take the road less travelled, it is worth the journey. You can do it. I just wish I had some money to give to you to make it even easier. Good luck. You still have that horse shoe, I promise. libby

  11. melissajaine permalink
    May 3, 2012 10:52 pm

    Damn girl, I love you. x
    I love the “future visualisation”. I even did it once to ask my future self (future by only a few hours) where was the key that I lost. I was told where to look, and the key was found. 🙂
    Love that Marianne Williamson quote – just put it up this week as a free download on my site (if you don’t mind me saying :).

  12. May 4, 2012 7:43 pm

    I was so moved by this post. I think current you & future you both ROCK! xo

  13. Honey permalink
    May 6, 2012 11:06 am

    The road will rise up to meet you. I know all to well the wanting to have the “how” whispered in my ear. Not to ruin the surprise, but to ensure I am moving in the right direction. I recommend listening to Eckhart Tolle. We only have the here, the now. The breakfast in bed, the beautifully written post. The magic in the moment. Am so looking forward to reading your book(s). You are magic. Exactly as you are now.

  14. May 7, 2012 9:39 am

    You made a reader, your age, in Norway (with a spanish boyfriend) cry reading this post. I read your blog and love it! And very often, I am the same. I am where you are now, in so many ways. Thank you 😉

  15. May 9, 2012 6:30 pm

    Good Lord, this is awesome. I am so glad I was pointed in your direction today! I’m in the same place (except I am 47…ugh.) But, it’s never too late, right?

  16. May 10, 2012 11:06 am

    I wandered into your blog recently and glad to have found it. One that resonates on many levels…traveling souls, creative souls. I am beginning, too, to see that my life is unfurling in the direction that I have always dreamed.
    Loved the inner nag comment! Just yesterday I was sitting out on my porch when my own inner critic spoke up. It gave me pause, and then I thought…wait a minute who ARE you to say these things? WHO is this character (of myself) spouting these not so nice things…….in my mind I swung around to confront her and no one was there. Hiding..hmmph! Her and her yellow finger & cigarette were slinking out the back door. Sometimes they just need a confronting. Loved your imagery.
    Best to you!

  17. May 10, 2012 2:55 pm

    At 47, I am where you are in this post, and wondering silently and aloud where the heck I’m going and what am I supposed to do. It was reassuring beyond measure to read this post. Beautiful, true, and hopeful. Thank you!

  18. Patti permalink
    May 13, 2012 6:27 am

    I wish we could meet up for coffee and talk. We sound like kindred spirits — but you say things more eloquently, and I am pretty sure I am a lot closer to 47 than you are. May you find find your path and enjoy the journey!

  19. May 15, 2012 2:59 pm

    Your future self sounds a lot like the one I would like to be. I cannot wait to read that book. Your post was beautiful today, thank you for sharing. x

    • jeanine permalink
      June 5, 2012 11:45 am

      (very belated) thank you 🙂

      xox j.

  20. Diane permalink
    June 6, 2012 6:51 pm

    i have to tell you, you put into words what i don’t. and i have dreams of people, no longer here. and when i ask them what is up they tell me “don’t worry about it.” lessons in leaving my questions alone. and hard.


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