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there is a glitch in the system

September 29, 2011

I booked my ticket home, today. On December 1st, I fly back to Montreal. Now ask me if I’m freaking out?  Go ahead, ask.

I
am
terrified!

Of all the implications of this move.

But mostly about what is going to happen to us?

The future is uncertain for the British Boy and I, and this uncertainty has put some strain on us. Our foundation is in a freeze-thaw cycle and there are cracks in the concrete. Do we patch it up? Or do we let it crumble? Will repairing the affected area address the root problem? Somedays, I feel like I have failed him, failed us, miserably. Oh! How I wish I could say that I’ve been the calm, cool, collected chick who just moved across the pond, easy breezy, hair flowing like a freaking Herbal Essence commercial, miss independent, game for everything, up for adventure. But I would be lying to you. (And I’ve never lied to you on this blog so I’m not about to start now). I am not transitioning with grace, this much I know. Somedays I am the cool girl. Most days, however, I’m the crazy PMS chick on crack. Nobody wants to be with the crazy PMS chick on crack. Of course, I’m not going to sit here and be a martyr and put all the blame on myself. It’s an “us” thing but there is a whole lot of me thrown in.

This is what it looks like to be in a new relationship.

Boy looks under the carpet, where you’ve swept all the little bits of you that you don’t want anybody else to see. He says: “Hold the phone, what’s this under here?” Girl runs towards boy, yanks carpet from his hands, sweeps the ugly bits back under the rug, puts everything neatly in its place and says: “You weren’t supposed to see that.” But of course, he is supposed to see that. Everything is exposed when you live with someone long enough. They see right through the fake smiles, they know when you’re lying because you do that lip thing you do when you’re not too pleased with a situation. All us Caron girls do it. Somebody once told me that 20% of language is verbal, the other 80% is body language. I believe it. It’s one thing to say “No, no, everything is fine.”, but damn it if that little lip curl doesn’t give you away. Every. Single. Time.

Everybody deals with vulnerability differently. Some people shut down and shut it out. Others fight it and resent it. Either way, when insecurities are brought to the surface, they are bound to create tension. But I have to believe that this tension is temporary, that our instincts over the past 2.5 years — all the late night talks, all the flying from one place to the next and dreaming about our future — were right on the money. Surely that kind of visceral “knowing” can’t be a lie. So why is it so hard? Perhaps it’s our special super stressful circumstances, in which case we’re going to need a shitload of patience. And we are running out of time, people. We are under pressure in the most Bowie possible way. Or is it a question of pride? Pride is sneaky. Pride has a way of making you lie to yourself ever so convincingly. And you can’t get to the source of things with bloody pride visors on.

But I don’t think it’s pride, keeping us here, working through the muck. (If it were, I certainly wouldn’t be airing my dirty laundry online). It’s the heart! That sweet potato in our chests, mashed by love. That complicated organ that marches to the beat of its own drum. Even the brain has little to say when it comes to matters of the heart.

So the way I see it, there’s a glitch in the system and I’m going to need you to bear with me, folks, while we fix it. Because fairy tales have dragons in them too, fire-breathing, bad ass dragons. And that is what we are dealing with right now. Time to break out the swords and slay some demons.

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24 Comments leave one →
  1. September 29, 2011 11:19 am

    in my own way, i too am the crazy PMS girl on crack…sending love across the miles. xoxo

  2. September 29, 2011 11:41 am

    Responding as one half of a couple, where the other half had to move to the other side of the World from his family and friends to be with me, I know any kind of relocation can strain a relationship. We haven’t quite managed to slay the dragons, but we try and live with them. Most of the time we even forget they are there now, but every so often they do rear their fire breathing heads again – usually when I least expect it. And it’s hard, the challenges change and evolve, but they never seem to be any easier. Yet every day we wake up together we know that it is all worth it, and I have no doubts you will know it too.

  3. September 29, 2011 11:42 am

    PS. Would have liked to add some kisses at the end of that, and a hope to see you before you leave! xxx

  4. Libby permalink
    September 29, 2011 11:51 am

    Hi,

    I have been reading your blog through Christine C’s, and some of it reminds me of my own life. I totally hear you, loud and clear.

    I too was in a long term, very long distance relationship (me-Canada; he-Australia). We travelled around the world, lived in Can, lived in Aus back and forth, to and fro for about 5 years.
    I had a freak out session, not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, living far away from family etc. etc. It was very very stressful. I moved back home without him. I was very sad.

    Eventually I realized I couldn’t live without him where ever we were. I was back at home 11 months after seeing each other last.

    We were married the next year and we have been living in Canada ever since. He would rather be in Australia but we have 3 kids now and are here (for a little while :))

    There are still lots of things that we argue about, wish we were here, wish we were there, grandparents all over the globe. But our little family is happy right now and we have learned the word comprimise! It is very hard.

    I wish you all the luck. Follow your heart. Try your hardest and realize that your family will always love you where ever you are.

    Libby

  5. September 29, 2011 11:55 am

    aw jeanine, such beautiful honest writing. I can’t imagine how hard it is for two such lovely people. It’s hard enough when you live in the same country! You slay some dragons and win your prince, or through your hair out the window for him to climb up (owch!)

    Emma x

  6. Kate permalink
    September 29, 2011 12:00 pm

    we’ll be at the ready to stand at your side with our swords lovie, you work on shining up that carpet..

  7. September 29, 2011 12:52 pm

    Cheering you on from afar….hoping you slay those dragons! Listen to your heart, I am working on taking that advice myself…though its a bit scary sometimes. Sending big hugs your way….xoxo

  8. September 29, 2011 1:45 pm

    thinking of you
    hang in there, i am sure it’s worth it.
    xo

  9. September 29, 2011 1:47 pm

    as a person in a relationship that’s just a wee bit older than yours with similar challenges, DON’T GIVE UP. you’re together and working this out because you love each other. don’t forget that, even when things seem hopeless.

  10. September 29, 2011 2:31 pm

    5 years ago I moved from a small town in Mississippi to Mongolia to be with my high school sweetheart. In retrospect, it was crazy. We’d spent a totally of one week together once we reconnected after YEARS of being apart. I’d never put one pinky toe out of the the good old US of A and there were parts that were terrifying but, in the end, totally worth it. Since that HUGE leap of faith we’ve gotten married, started a family, and have lived in Singapore, London, and Denmark. Our adventure continues. I’m here to tell you fairy tales can come true. With a lot of hard work there can be a happily ever after. Hang in there.

  11. Sue permalink
    September 29, 2011 2:51 pm

    I hope it all works out for you two.
    My husband and I have been together for 37 years…it can be done!!!

    Sue x

  12. September 29, 2011 3:46 pm

    Jeanine, my heart breaks just a little bit for you here, but I know you and BB can make it, if that is what you both want. The reality of living in the same space after such a long time of dreaming about it and only ever seeing glimpses of it, well, that takes time to adjust to. Transitions are challenging, always. I know you are not looking for advice and so all I want to share is what I have learned from having done this twice (uprooting my life and moving across an ocean to be with a man I love, once for ‘my’ Englishman and then again for my American husband): remember who you are and *be you*. (And the *you* that I’ve gotten to know via this blog is an absolutely amazing woman 🙂 My husband and I fell in love quickly over a long distance and from that initial spark and ‘knowing’ we worked our way through various life changing transitions, including two years of living on separate coasts after we were already married for three. I had to learn to *be me* again, but I also had to learn to trust my husband and our love. Thinking of you and sending you lots of love xo

  13. Michelle permalink
    September 30, 2011 8:56 am

    “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”― Mark Twain

    And you did!! I love you for being so brave xoxo

  14. September 30, 2011 4:05 pm

    oh love – i feel so bad we didn’t catch up for coffee!
    sending you love and unicorns until i see you next week
    xxx

  15. September 30, 2011 8:38 pm

    All I want to say is: That sucks. I am sorry that you are slaying dragons instead of dancing at the ball. Trust yourself. Be yourself. And then do what you have to do. You are one of the bravest people out there in the world. You also gave up all of your anchors to do this. Cut yourself some slack, and give yourself permission to grieve that lack of a support. Oh, hell. I don’t know . It just sucks. Sending you love and hugs…

  16. Lisa permalink
    October 1, 2011 11:35 pm

    Jeanine.

    Hold on a cotton pickin’ minute here….

    YOU are slaying dragons?
    YOU have emotions?
    YOU are vulnerable?

    Darling, should you be nodding your head “yes” to any of the above,…
    all I’ve got to say is f*cking-bloody-Hallelujah!

    YOU are human.
    YOU are alive.
    YOU are writing your story……with someone you love.

    YOU are fearless….
    at least a lot more so than 98% your fellow humans, yours truly included.

    YOU are an inspiration and a joy to follow.
    So whatever you do, pahleez keep your chin up, cry the tears that need to be shed, scream to the high heavens above, lock yourself in a room if you feel the need, get the DustBuster and sift throw all the dirty nasty detritus that is under that carpet of yours, but whatever you do please remember to continue on with your glorious bad ass self.

    xo, Lisa

    *Oh yes, and share it with all of us, because, if you doubt for one moment that your story is going unheard, it’s not. If anything, your sharing of your personally deep , raw, uncensored goings-on are inspiring and lighting the fires of courage under my own ass.

    And for this I thank YOU.

  17. October 2, 2011 12:41 am

    Just gotta let go. Everybody’s got a rug with piles of horrible junk. The junk doesn’t matter. It’s what you do with it; it’s how you share it. Share it. Be imperfect at the risk of losing everything so you can have everything.

  18. October 3, 2011 7:19 am

    I don’t have any advice to give, although I’m sure that wasn’t the reason for the post. And I don’t have any words of wisdom or experience on the subject. But what I do know is that you’ve got guts, lady. I’m constantly inspired by your gumption. You grab life by the horns no matter how wild the ride. At least, that’s the view from here. In doing so, you’ve earned some amazing friends (judging by the comments left above and on previous posts). This is just another exciting chapter in the life of Jeanine. We’re all rooting for you even though we know it will all work out just how it should in the end. xo

  19. wanderlily permalink
    October 3, 2011 6:57 pm

    Oh, sweet girl … I’m still anonymous because I don’t have the nerve to keep a blog which airs my own laundry (though I bet I would be healthier if I did). If anyone can do it, you can. I’ve been following you for years, and have been rooting for you. I know this: relationships are so human, so fragile. Long distance relationships are even more so. But, you are SuperWoman. You have strong foundations, a great attitude, life experience as pure and solid as the Nova Scotian granite upon which I sit, and you are magnificent. You will put your soul into this, even though it is scary as hell, and all the dragons will fall under your command. You have smarts I wish I could aspire to, and you are true, true, true.

    Love always, wanderlily xo ❤

  20. Megan permalink
    October 4, 2011 12:35 am

    Jeanine, you’re amazing! So honest- I just love it- my mom once told me (a long time ago) not to wish time away. I won’t, I haven’t since the day I heard it. For whatever reason that statement is a little “birdie” on my shoulder in the good, the bad, the so so, and the awesome. This moment is important and you’re living it. It’s raw and honest. So, if I may- I’d like to share a little of your own advice, or your friend Elizabeth’s advice, because this was from her- but it spoke to me and maybe others who follow your blog:

    https://wonderingsandwanderings.wordpress.com/2011/08/11/baby-were-all-gonna-die/

    Live big Jeanine! Can’t wait to hear more 🙂 xo

    ps- you need a book deal!

  21. October 4, 2011 5:02 pm

    I love your honesty Jeanine and I thank you for putting your words out there – out here. Transition sucks. I’m sending you love and peaceful vibes to help you navigate your way through…

    Oh and hugs too.
    xo

  22. October 6, 2011 12:04 pm

    please tell me you are writing a book.

    i want to read it.

  23. October 6, 2011 12:04 pm

    and hugs and love much too late. i have no time for the internet it seems.

  24. October 8, 2011 4:49 pm

    Grrr to the dragons…I am all too familiar as someone in a long distance relationship with someone I haven’t even been able to see in nearly 4 years. All I know is we make a choice each day to travel in love or fear, and I’m sure that’s of no help whatsoever, but I’m saying it anyway! What else I know is the harder we struggle to sort things out, the harder it makes things, and going with the flow (surrendering) is usually the easier path to take. Cause the thing is, we end up wherever we’re going to end up whether we make it hard on ourselves or not. Keep flowing…you’ll get where you need to be. xoxo!

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