preparing it for the worst

Dear Booty,

I’m writing to apologize in advance for what I’m about to put you through.

As you know, you and I will soon travel to the land of vino e formaggio, where pasta is an appetizer in a long line of courses and gelato is as readily available as air.  Not to mention our short stop in Guinness and Fish & Chips territory as well as a week-long stay on churros, tortilla de patatas and paella soil.  I think you know what I’m leading to.   Do you remember what my sister said when I told her that I might come home from this trip 10 pounds heavier?  Her reply was “I certainly hope so, otherwise it means you did it all wrong“.   You heard her, ass… she makes a valid point.  What I’m trying to say is that March may be a month-long gastronomic adventure, which will, without a doubt, have an effect on your gluteal girth.

But I wouldn’t want to shock you into rapid expansion, so I feel we must prepare for this journey.  Kinda like how people get a base tan before going to the tropics in the middle of winter.  Or how climbers spend a couple weeks at base camp on Everest to acclimatize to the altitude.  I’m thinking we need a base ass.  Luckily, you’re already sporting your winter “coat” so we’re halfway there.  Now we just have to prepare you mentally for the training in licentiousness you are about to receive.

If it is any consolation, I’ll drink wine to help you forget what life used to be like when you were a happy firm bum and not a badunkadunk butt – the booty that makes 2 moves. 1st, badunk (up) and 2nd, adunk (down) (not my definition, it’s from the urban dictionary).

The worst, of course, is yet to come — when we return home and have to reverse the damage.   When I’ll have to whip you back into shape, walk, run, lunge, squat you… until you can fit back into those jeans.  I’m telling you, take one last hard look at them jeans because they will soon become the skinny jeans you aspire to fit into.

But in the meantime, let’s wear the  loose twirly skirts and eat all the gelato we want.

I’ll see you on the flip side.

Sincerely,

Jeanine

***

Thank you for all your lovely comments to Saturday’s post.  It warmed my heart.  Turns out, it was one of the best V days ever, thanks to a little help from my friends and sisters.

Also, aside from learning the true meaning of gluteus maximus,  there is much to do in preparation for this trip so I will be quiet in these parts over the next couple weeks.  I’ll be sure to pop in and pepper the page with quotes and I’ll definitely post before leaving.  But otherwise, don’t be surprised if you see tumbleweeds dancing across the screen and hear a dusty desert wind blowing through.