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preparing it for the worst

February 17, 2009


Dear Booty,

I’m writing to apologize in advance for what I’m about to put you through.

As you know, you and I will soon travel to the land of vino e formaggio, where pasta is an appetizer in a long line of courses and gelato is as readily available as air.  Not to mention our short stop in Guinness and Fish & Chips territory as well as a week-long stay on churros, tortilla de patatas and paella soil.  I think you know what I’m leading to.   Do you remember what my sister said when I told her that I might come home from this trip 10 pounds heavier?  Her reply was “I certainly hope so, otherwise it means you did it all wrong“.   You heard her, ass… she makes a valid point.  What I’m trying to say is that March may be a month-long gastronomic adventure, which will, without a doubt, have an effect on your gluteal girth.

But I wouldn’t want to shock you into rapid expansion, so I feel we must prepare for this journey.  Kinda like how people get a base tan before going to the tropics in the middle of winter.  Or how climbers spend a couple weeks at base camp on Everest to acclimatize to the altitude.  I’m thinking we need a base ass.  Luckily, you’re already sporting your winter “coat” so we’re halfway there.  Now we just have to prepare you mentally for the training in licentiousness you are about to receive.

If it is any consolation, I’ll drink wine to help you forget what life used to be like when you were a happy firm bum and not a badunkadunk butt – the booty that makes 2 moves. 1st, badunk (up) and 2nd, adunk (down) (not my definition, it’s from the urban dictionary).

The worst, of course, is yet to come — when we return home and have to reverse the damage.   When I’ll have to whip you back into shape, walk, run, lunge, squat you… until you can fit back into those jeans.  I’m telling you, take one last hard look at them jeans because they will soon become the skinny jeans you aspire to fit into.

But in the meantime, let’s wear the  loose twirly skirts and eat all the gelato we want.

I’ll see you on the flip side.




Thank you for all your lovely comments to Saturday’s post.  It warmed my heart.  Turns out, it was one of the best V days ever, thanks to a little help from my friends and sisters.

Also, aside from learning the true meaning of gluteus maximus,  there is much to do in preparation for this trip so I will be quiet in these parts over the next couple weeks.  I’ll be sure to pop in and pepper the page with quotes and I’ll definitely post before leaving.  But otherwise, don’t be surprised if you see tumbleweeds dancing across the screen and hear a dusty desert wind blowing through.

11 Comments leave one →
  1. February 17, 2009 9:56 pm

    Wow, I’m jealous of the adventures to come for you and your booty! Enjoy every moment and take lots of pictures!

  2. February 17, 2009 11:52 pm

    i have in fact fell in love with your blog. i have no idea who you are and yet i feel so connected to you in so many ways. i have all these jumbled up thoughts in my head and i don’t really know how to put it into words, but you… you do it so perfect. i’m sad to hear there will be no more posts for a while but i hope you have so much fun wherever you go. just know you will be missed by one of your dear readers. have fun! 🙂

  3. February 18, 2009 12:45 am

    sounds like heaven and I bet the booty will enjoy a brief respite to uhhh, broaden its horizons. enjoy and have the most fabulous time ever.

  4. Elizabeth permalink
    February 18, 2009 7:12 am

    when you are old– you can have a bony ass— right now? let it be lush and full of adventure and love and god DAMN woman– that is some mighty fine bootylicious derriere you’ve got!! what you haven’t calculated into your European mathmatics, apparently, is as all those Italian, Scottish and other Euro boys chase you down the streets, shouting your name as they are consumed with passion for you (and your bootylicious derriere) that all the running you will have to do (they ARE on scooters, obvs) and then all the DANCING you are gonna do once they catch you and convince you to go to the disco with them— well, all I can say, you’d better be eating A LOT to keep that fine, fine shapely ass of yours in its full beauty!!

  5. February 18, 2009 10:29 am

    Enjoy! There’s nothing like a bit of travel and adventure to lighten one’s spirits and broaden one’s horizons. I look forward to your take on the new vistas. Til then…I’ll miss the writing, but that’s one fine parting shot. 😉

  6. February 18, 2009 11:32 am

    Oh creative and clever goddess, you have me laughing and choking on my tea…
    and swimming in jealousy of your up-coming adventure.
    Let me say this…there are things only a single woman can do and I am so excited you are taking advantage and not wasting a single second! Blessings on your travels and I can’ t wait to hear back!

  7. February 18, 2009 1:48 pm


  8. carol mayer permalink
    February 18, 2009 7:54 pm

    buon viaggio.

  9. February 19, 2009 12:33 pm

    I bet you don’t gain any weight due to the amoung of walking you will be doing. That is what travelling is all about – eating and walking and they are the perfect partners. 🙂

  10. Randy permalink
    February 21, 2009 2:40 am

    If I said what I was thinking I would surely feel the fires of hell lapping at my ass. “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

    Have a great trip!

  11. kristen permalink
    February 22, 2009 3:54 pm

    here’s the thing: i’ve just returned from the land of pain au chocolat and fish and chips, drinking more wine than water and STILL my jeans are sliding down my backside. meaning, i’ve dropped weight besides my very best efforts to eat my way through paris and london.

    you’ll be walking so much all over the continent you’ll be holding these skinny jeans up with more than just your belt!! word.

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