when in doubt

… bring out the oldies.

Seriously folks.  I feel like there are creative vampires out there and they stuck their fangs in me and sucked me dry.  Not a word left.  Which is why I had to resort to scrounging for words from the past and boy did I ever find some.  So I present to you a few chronicled October 1sts sampled from the past 18 years.  Can’t say that any of them are like a fine wine but there’s definitely some cheese in there and I don’t know about you, but I’m a big fan of the cheese.

Keep in mind that when I used to journal, it was either because I was:

a. in high school
b. sad
c. feeling shitty about myself
d. stoned (what? I was young and discovering the hippie & rocker in me 🙂
e. suddenly struck with an urge to freewrite

It seems that I rarely wrote when I was happy because I was too busy enjoying my happiness, I guess.  Which is a shame because there have been so many happy moments and I wish I could pull them out of a shiny box one by one and relive them through words (because god knows my poor memory ain’t serving them up).  So I guess I’ll have to start a new writing habit once I get that transfusion of creative juices… write when happy!

1990 (high school)

Hi.  My day passed fast today and I’m glad because the classes are beginning to be pretty boring.  I saw Martin this morning and I was very happy.  We never talked but he looks very nice.  I’m wondering if I have a crush on him or not?  Stupid me!  I should think about other things, like school, right?  What a boring thought.  Boy!  Do I wish I was in Hollywood right now!

editor’s note: there are so many comments that I could make about that non sequitur diary entry, but in order to protect my childhood innocence, I shall refrain.

1991 (high school)

This morning I had breakfast with Mario.  It was quite fun seeing him in the morning.  I had toast, eggs, bacon, beans, potatoes and orange juice.  It was a great breakfast, with a great man and I had a great day.

2001 (nelson, bc)

It’s one of those beautiful sunny days when everything should be perfect.  I’m doing what I love to do; sitting at Sidewinder’s Café, sipping a maté, eating an awesome lemon poppyseed muffin, but I can’t shake this feeling like something is missing.

My neck and back are tense and I’ve had this dull headache for the past 2 days.  Being slightly hypochondriac, I plague myself with worries.  Maybe I’m getting a cold, maybe I have a grapefruit-sized tumor in my head, maybe I’m smoking too much pot?

It’s a beautiful sunny day but I’m like dogs and thunder; my restlessness is so rabid, you’d think a storm is brewing…

2002 (montreal, qc)

It’s a cold kind of night
when the ground cements
and frost powders the grass
and everything is frozen in gray

but the pumpkins, they lay plump & orange
in unruly gardens, like a fairy tale
reminding me that there is color
in the cold darkness
there is life
beneath the dust

2003 (halifax, ns)

Since I stepped off the plane, the all mighty hurricane Juan hit the coast of Nova Scotia with fierce winds of 147km/hr and gusts up to 173km/hr hauling meter high water surges and bringing mass destruction unseen by Halitonians since the Great Explosion of 1907.

I witnessed the effects of Mother Nature going on a bender and savagely yanking trees out of the ground like carrots and flinging anything she could get her hands on.  I sawed through countless fallen trees and found the most unusual treasures washed up on rocky beaches.  I learned from a 4-year-old boy named Noah that all the beautiful pieces of ocean-sanded beach glass I’m collecting are called mermaid tears.

I now have a bowl full of tears.

2004 (halifax, ns)

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Think about what you really want to do with the rest of your life and, if you are way off course, start to make some changes. Nothing is out of reach if you believe you can obtain it. 3 stars

2006 (hamilton, on)

The drone of this bus is making me sleepy and I feel the usual discomfort of writing while surrounded by people, yet there is so much to observe and I simply can’t stop this pen from skating across the page… just waiting for the triple axle to flow out of my fingers (don’t hold your breath).

This place is so familiar from a time long ago when I was 25 and on the cusp of major change – moving to Nelson, BC.  The eye opener of my life.  Strange that I’m here again at 31 and I feel like I’m going through another major transition.

US magazine answers the question “Why she left Bobby?”, which begs the question who fucking cares?  There is so much more out there that deserves serious attention.  The concrete swallowed by yellowing leaves, the ugly beauty of electrical towers scraping slate skies, the crack house, the coming, the going, the stagnating, the corner store with a hundred sun-faded posters of meat, veggies, movies, cigarettes, the little black boy wearing green corduroy pants and a striped shirt looking out the window like me but probably not analyzing so much, the bongo playing student, the woman with the dirty beaded dreads, mouth full of cavities and missing teeth, smiling fully.  I don’t care what you look like; a smile illuminates.  She wears electric pink leggings with brown velour leg warmers.  I love it!  I’m even enjoying the experience of the city’s stench; exhaust is a city’s exhale.

Listening to my cowgirls mix.  You know even they get the blues?  I have a strange case of the happy blues if that makes sense.  It’s a mélange of nostalgia and deep inner peace with where I am at this exact second.

2007 (email to my mom from hantsport, ns)

I have indeed recovered from Montreal.  It was wonderful being there and seeing everyone, reconnecting with Annie and Suzanne, spending time with the family.  Truly wonderful.

It’s good to be home though.  I’ve been snuggling my Cocoa and canning like crazy and we went to the market on Saturday.  It was a great day.  Because we hadn’t been there in 2 weeks, our food sold out in no time (we have a few addicts :), we came home with only 3 doggy bags, K got a commission for a corkboard and he sold one box.  I almost sold a necklace but no cigar.  It’s okay though.  It just means I have more to bring to the craft fair on the 13th.  So life is busy.  I always think, after this or that, things will slow down but now I just have to resolve myself to the fact that hey, look at that, Christmas is right around the corner and things never do stop so I might as well go with the flow.  Right?

2008 (here, now)

Now that I’ve tortured you with bad sentence structure and boring self analysis, I must admit that it was quite an interesting experiment.  To read about about the same day over the years; days that I don’t even remember, at least not in a tactile way, more like a dream.  To know that I’ve lived those days and they are gone (the angst, the sadness and the beauty).  Whoever said this too shall pass couldn’t have said it better.  Fleeting, these moments are.

Which is why I encourage you to do this same experiment on your blog… reminisce.

As for me, I’m going to bed before this day turns to October 2nd.  Adieu October 1st… see ya next year.