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epiphany

June 22, 2008

Does anyone else feel this way? Like life is one big game and you still haven’t quite figured out all the rules and how to play it? Essentially, you’re just winging it. Sometimes you take two big steps backwards, other times you’re stuck on a square and don’t move forward for ages no matter how many times you roll the dice, occasionally you bluff and once in a while you pull a get out of jail free card.

I was walking around the city this evening and it was a beautiful evening. We’re talking an exquisite summer evening… orange skies, everyone smiling, friends sharing meals on restaurant terraces or home patios, music and laughter riding warm wind waves. It was the perfect Saturday night in Montreal… and I was alone. I had 3 separate invitations but I couldn’t seem to decide on one. I was confused between what I wanted to do, what I felt I should do, what other people wanted me to do and not even knowing what I wanted. Holy mother of God…the thoughts were swirling in my head and I felt caught in an undertow, being pulled down; that if I went any lower, I’d soon be scraping hell’s roof. So I stopped, right there on the sidewalk. I stopped and said something that sounded like Woh là! Ça va faire (Woh! that’s enough). And by stopping one damn second and taking a deep breath, I realized that what was truly bugging me was that I was alone without a partner on this beautiful Saturday evening… that the past 4 months are just now starting to catch up to me… and wouldn’t it be great to be in love tonight? By being brave enough to admit that to myself, the next realization came… I will be in love again. Someday. That is a certainty. But for now, I get to live the experience of being single… just me, for once… so maybe I should be in love with myself for a while and learn to savor this experience. Ding, ding, ding! Light bulb! Fireworks!

So tonight, I’m on a date with myself, doing exactly what I want to be doing (writing and processing photos) and everything seems so simple. All that really matters right this moment is that it IS a beautiful summer evening, the first summer evening of the year, in fact. And it’s my father’s 53rd birthday. Happy Birthday Pops. And I have the most inspiring mother on this planet. Y’all can’t even possibly imagine this woman’s strength. And in those moments when I’m feeling weak, I am reminded that I come from her and I am so grateful for that.

Here I am on this summer solstice, on this particular square and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else right now. Because this is my game and I only get to play it once. I’ll roll the dice again tomorrow and see where they take me.

How are you going to play this game?

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. June 22, 2008 4:15 am

    I’m leaving next week to spend three weeks with myself, something I’ve never done and am looking forward to. I’m coming to the realization that I have spent most of my life running from my self, too afraid of what I might, or might not find. But now I’m feeling, it’ll be okay. I’m learning to trust myself, to love myself, to be my own soft place to fall. And it feels pretty good.

  2. Bridgemor permalink
    June 23, 2008 4:00 pm

    Jeanine,
    Congratulations on your new website, I was wondering how you’ve been doing in your new life transition. From your readings it sounds like you have a good perspective on your feelings and events that are being presented to you right now. In the future, you will look on this particular part of your life journey and find that it was a very important learning experience, to be alone and be content, but I have a feeling you already know this. You will discover that when you are completely content and o.k. with being alone you will be able to completely share yourself with a new love, because you will know yourself completely, you will have more to share. I look forward to visiting your new site.

  3. June 24, 2008 12:00 am

    you have got it all going on, girl! It is all going to work out in the best possible way because you keep keeping yourself on the good red road– OH how I love the orange and blue of that photo– quelle surprise– and I am inspired by you– how you grabbed yourself by the nape of the neck and shook yourself out of a funk– exactly what I need to do. Bisous.

  4. June 24, 2008 3:39 pm

    It goes back to at least 1964 with the Eric Berne book “The Games People Play” but the old cliche’ seems true…”The only way to win is not to play the game.”

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